Pictures...they speak a thousand words, but today for me there was just one - remember.

Eric got an apple tv for his birthday in October. One of it's features is to instantaneously play music along side all of our 50,000 photos from our computer hard drive wirelessly. Super cool feature. So sometimes if we are just hanging around the house, Eric will turn it on and it captures all of our attention and we -- remember.

It's so good to remember -- the road trips, the campouts, the first crawl, the first steps, the birthdays, the first bicycle rides, the remodels, the park dates, friends that are like family, airplane rides, car trips, the memories -- to remember the gifts of life. It's so good to remember because when I live in the present I often find my thoughts going to negative things...how tired I feel, my questions I have for God, my unmet expectation, my losses, the empty places in my heart, how much time and work my children demand but when I look at these photos of this family God has given me it takes me outside of myself and helps me remember the gifts in my life.

Everyday I live in a tension of being present to my family, loving and caring for them alongside wanting to crawl in a hole and simply take care of myself. I daydream about going to a spa with my favorite girlfriends and reading an entire novel in a day, getting a massage, eating chocolate and watching the sunset -- in quiet, without dirty fingers touching me or someone wanting to sit on my lap. And just maybe I even day dream about running away to Italy for a week (or a YEAR somedays). God gently reminds me of when I was single, alone, longing for a husband and longing to have children. That longing has been fulfilled with three healthy rambunctious children that God has given to me to care for and He often gently reminds me that this season too shall pass. Instead of daydreaming, settle in, relax, embrace motherhood -- it will not always be so intense.

I love this quote from Motherhood, A Spiritual Journey by Ellyn Sanna, "Even our vision needs washing, for as adults we have forgotten how to really see. We are so busy with grown-up responsibilities that we forget to notice the images of grace and mystery imbedded in the ordinary world. Our children remind us."

These pictures help me to remember to embrace the ordinary world instead of my grown up responsibilities. I want to stay present to the world right in front of me instead of the to do list of grown-up-ness that bogs me down. I want to enter into the snuggles, chubby cheeks, wrestle matches, and story times MORE!

Ellie eating her toes.

Brotherly love.

Maddie falling asleep listening to her music.

Face painting at MOPS fall festival.

Morning snuggle in feetsie pajamas.

Transition

Don't we all look for inspiration...to make life more fun, more fulfilling, more amazing? When is the next vacation, when is the next shopping spree, next date, next big celebration, next party. But the reality is most days are ho-hum...ordinary. I want to remember that God has given me three little ones....full of growing minds, hearts, feelings, emotions to navigate life with, which is such a huge challenge and I want to find inspiration in that! We are in a huge season of transition...transition for me as a mother of 5 and the kids as big siblings. I don't always feel up to this challenge but then I look at these pictures of Ellie's first day of life and remember what I went through for 9 months of pregnancy and growing this little life and then birthing her (in one hour and 15 minutes) that I know (even if I don't FEEL) I am up for this challenge. I haven't left the house yet with all three on my own but I know the day is coming quickly. I know I'm going to yell at my kids, drop things on the ground, fumble over how to handle misbehaviors but I hope I can remember this...being a mom is a gift that has been given to me. I have three healthy (mostly happy) kids and I want to enjoy each day with them. Praying for patience and grace -- each day.

The last 6 months

I've decided to start blogging again and change the color of it to pink in honor of our upcoming bundle of joy. I mostly want to blog again because I just looked back at 10 posts from when Maddie was born and was so thankful I had this journal of life to remember those still small moments that I so easily forget. I want to remember the feelings of these moments -- like when I brought Maddie home from the hospital and family got to meet her for the first time, those moments of joy, sadness, newness, love, play and adventure. We are looking forward to our upcoming adventure with 3 kiddos and I think I'll start blogging again to help document all the memories we are about to make. Here's the kiddos from the past few months...which includes painting, karate, lots of beach and pool, cooking with grandma, dinners out with grandma and papa (that are living with us til after baby comes), bath times, nature walks, tide pooling, frog hunting, and naps on the carpet (she won't nap in her bed), flying kites, library visits (which Maddie dresses up for) and a hubby that is still fighting fires and keeping this world a better place!

Well Eric and I fell in love with this little bean

And then Eric, Brayden and I fell in love with this little bean

So, why not?

Brayden talks about it every day and makes up names: Quakelyn is the most recent. He's mentioned Brock so they can both have 'B' names, Jackson, Jessica, and seems to mention something about the baby every day. He definitely would prefer a boy but has mentioned just once that it'd be okay if it's a girl. :/ Whenever I'm feeling sick, which is 24-7 (give or take an hour), they have the most compassion I've ever seen my two children have. It's been really really sweet. They give me hugs and kisses and tell me to just think about my baby because then I will be happy. And Brady has assured me that I will be happier as a mother of 3 children. I will definitely be happier as a mother of 3 and not as a mother of 2 WHILE PREGNANT!!

Brayden and Madison love each other, adore each other, kiss each other. Yes, they also fight too but overall they have a sweet bond and are very close. I am so afraid one day this will end. I just hope and pray it doesn't.

I'm so thankful for these two. They are growing up so fast and I just pray God gives me what I need to teach them, love them and grow them up into mature individuals.

It's interesting how some days I feel like I know what I'm doing. Motherhood -- care for, love, teach, have fun with your children. Then there are other days like today that I scratch my head and think -- how am I supposed to do this? How am I suppose to speak REASON into my sons little brain? How am I suppose to teach my daughter that when I discipline her, she shouldn't laugh at me?

New challenges come every day but I'm so thankful that after 5 years, I expect them and know that I just have to rise to the next challenge because "I am the parent" and these little ones are smart but cannot outsmart me, yet!!

Well, most summers we travel far from home but this summer we decided to stick around, partially because we are working a lot at Fair Hills Estate but also because there are places we've never been around here and the kids are old enough to camp now. So we started the summer off with a 1 night overnight to El Capitan State park to try on camping in our new tent and the kids did great. We followed that with camping in Zion National Park which was absolutely beautiful. Then we headed to Palm Springs for some pool and waterslide fun in late May before it got too hot. In July we headed to Lake Tahoe to meet my parents to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. On regular days when daddy's at work, we stop by and say hi! This night (with Eric in uniform) we got invited to dinner. :) Then late July we headed to Hume Lake (paddle boarding) and Sequoia National Park for 5 more days of camping but this time in a travel trailer! :) Brayden also tried on soccer for the first time and really seemed to like it. We'll see if that keeps up. His latest fun is hours of riding a balance bike. Madison spends her time being sassy, silly and spunky...and sweet.

I couldn't be more thankful to have been given the gift of motherhood because of these two little ones God has given me to raise. Nothing has taught me more, stretched me more or filled my heart more EVER than being a MOM!!!! I love you Brayden and Maddie!!

(Both of my kids are starting to dress themselves! :/)

LOVE THIS WOMAN! So sad that we have to live 1,300 miles apart. Her wisdom, grace, laugh, humor and loyalty amaze me more and more each year. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!!