I'm astounded...at life, my life. Not what I thought it would look like. Surrounded by grief and sadness, cancer and death...over and over and over. Coming on 35 years old, I just assumed life would be 'happier'!

Yesterday we remembered Claire Carey, a friend from college, who died of brain cancer August 14th. She was beautiful. She was love. She exemplified the love of God more than anyone else I have ever known. She was a profound person.

This is when she met Maddie for the first time. I will miss her.

I try to remember the big picture of life, eternity, meeting Jesus someday. Knowing there is life on the other side. This side seems awfully hard though. When will a new season come?

I came across this picture. I miss this. I miss my family. I miss this group of people who will never all sit at a table together and laugh, live, and love together again.

Funny thing, I've been thinking a lot about this life and how without Matty, it's sad. I'm sad. But he is not sad. He is on the other side and as Kelly, the pastor at the service for Claire said, we are not sad she is no longer here, we are sad we can't be with her on the other side, the glory side. I had the same thought this week. We are just sad that we are still on earth waiting for eternity.

Most days I can be a friend, a neighbor, a wife, a realtor, a daughter or whatever! and feel like I know what I am supposed to do (even if I choose not to), I finish the day having completed the task set before me in those areas.

However, right now I feel like most days I DO NOT feel that way about parenting. Where is the book on how to understand your child? You know the one called "How to understand Brayden Matthew". I think parenting is the hardest job you can EVER have. It requires the most brains, the most energy, the most love, the most understanding, the most prayer and bottom line the most patience.

The sad thing is if I knew it would be this hard I don't know if I would choose it all over again but I would hope that I would. What I am learning as a person through parenting Brayden doesn't feel good at all in the midst of it because I feel impatient, unloving, dumb, stubborn and TIRED!

I am hanging on with the hopes that the seeds that we are planting (that seem VERY deep in the ground) will soon sprout and reveal some life, some beautiful green leaves, and maybe even some flowers. He did pick me one today. :)

Madison Kate is full of humor, spice, hugs, cuddles, sugar (that's kisses on the neck) and lots of "no's". She's easy to be with, starting to sing and dance, and loves her big brother! She even puts herself on sympathy time out if Brayden gets a time out. Funny stuff. So thankful God gave Brayden a little sister like Madison that is not easily frustrated.



I've missed Matt so much this weekend. (Sydney turned 7 and those milestones always cause reflection.) Recently, I've seen glimpses of the tender, sweet way Matt loved me in my kids relationship. I'm so thankful they have eachother and I pray they do for MUCH longer than 31 years!!!!

Cute little ones and yummy purchases at the local Farmer's Market.

Why is it so hard to step away from the all the small moments of life and reflect on the big picture? Kids, money, cooking, cleaning, phones, computers...they all consume me.

I was able to GET AWAY from it all two weeks ago, step away from my life and fly to Colorado to be with some of the most amazing women I have been honored to know. Five college friends and I went to the mountains for a time of restoration and it was beyond words, a gift to my soul.

We spoke of grief, pain, joy, marriage, money, sex, love and loss. In that space of 48 hours, I was deeply restored to remember who I am, who God is, and what deep friendships are about. To remember what I am about -- not what has happened to me but who I want to be was transformational.

Before being a mom, wife, an only child, I was Carrie, "spirited, strong and stubborn". Good or bad, that's me. These women rejoice in that with me and gently point out where the rough corners are and how to graciously be aware that time can bring change and healing. And it does. It was one of those moments in life that was a turning point in my journey, an awakening of the dark places in my heart and it brought new life to my spirit.

I am thankful for these 5 women. Unconditional love poured out and blessed me. A rare gift.

My Girl

My girl turns 18 months today
I love her sweet and sassy way

She fills my heart, She brings me joy,
It's a little different than having a boy.

She knows how to blow kisses really well
The ways she will suprise me, I never can tell.

I'll hold her close to my heart forever.







(The last photo is how I found her after her nap today. She had turned the fan toward herself and was giggling when I walk in.)

The first two pics here are of Brayden at 18 months. People say they look so much alike I thought it's be fun to show a picture of Brayden at Madison's current age.

On another note....after a couple weeks of pushing through the long days of motherhood wondering why Brayden was so combative, it dawned on me -- maybe he was not feeling well, so I took him to the doc yesterday and sure enough he had an ear infection. After 24 hours on antibiotics and some motrin, the boy is nice to be around again.

He crawled in bed with me this morning while I was reading and he said, read to me what you are reading. I was reading a mother's devotional (I know, sounds cheesy...it was talking about birds and their different cries to one another...they call them 'signal songs'. Then it talked about how as moms, we cry out to two different people...we cry out to our husbands and also to our God.

Last night, I came to bed tired and beat down from life's burdens. Eric showed me what only a gracious, patient husband that is full of love and understanding can do. He let me vent, talk, and 'cry out' then he spoke truth and wisdom graciously in a way I could hear. It was good. I was able to cry out to him and he responded. This morning, I woke up at 6:30 and cried out to God and he responded. I looked for the adventures in the mundane activities of being a mom today and with God's grace, was able to see them. Both my kids are so cuddly (Madison is on antibiotics from an ear infection too), they enjoy one another and generally seem happy most of the time, and I have the privilege of raising my own kids (as they don't have to go to daycare) and spending the days with them. I have been given these treasures to protect, love and care for and they think I'm pretty cool too, most of the time.

"But I cry out to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice." Psalm 55:16-17.

These days are filled with sweet sibling times that I know won't always last but rigth now Madison and Brayden seem to find humor and affection in one another. Sweet loving moments between the two seem to happen more than not.

Madison also has a sweet sweet friend that she calls "Lella" and we call Stella. She is a dear friend and neighbor and we just adore her. When Madison and Stella see each other, they scream with excitement.

Brayden's favorite drink right now is orange juice and thankfully we have an orange tree. Brayden often goes away and Batman appears in our home more days than not for hours and he often goes out with us too...silly superheroes!

Maddie's favorite pastime is playing with shoes...she picked out her shoes for the outfit with pink shoes. :) My kind of girl.

We've had ample rain this past week and cooler temperatures which made for some glorious viewings of snow on our mountains.

In spite of the kids and I battling colds, we've made an effort to get out in nature to breathe in some fresh air. After 2 days in the house fighting coughs this weekend, we ventured up to the ranch where we use to live today and took in the green fields, muddy roads and running streams. It was a healing day for me to be out in nature experiencing absolute peace and quiet. Brady was in heaven stomping in the creek and Maddie loved sitting on the rocks and splashing in the leaves.

We also made it to a park this week and did some swinging and sliding. Is this girl my daughter or what?

And lastly, last week we made it out to the carpinteria bluffs to see the seals. Beautiful days.

I sure miss this guy when he's gone. I guess that's the good part about the firefighter's schedule... absence makes the heart grow fonder. He's working 8 of the next 10 days and we miss him a lot when he's gone.

This photo was taken at the Postmas at the their Christmas Barn Party! Pretty special time.

Here's to my sweet girl, who loves her brother, loves books, is walking all over, loves music and officially can wear pigtails!!!! Brings joy to her mommy's soul. Happy 15 months!!!

(First time doing rockband at the Flemings!)